I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
