Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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