and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
