And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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