I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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