Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i came on her dog
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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