So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
