Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
