allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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