did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
