He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
