My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
