Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
