I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
