I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
