The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
