He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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