exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
