Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
