The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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