totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
