You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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