I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
