Dude my mom stole all your condoms
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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