I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug