So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
