The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
