i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
