btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
