He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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