Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
