I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
