I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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