You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
