Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
