I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
