I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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