Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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