he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Less talking, more tequila
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
