i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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