The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize