Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign