Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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