Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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