Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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