You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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