I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm just crazy horny about you
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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