I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
