Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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