He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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