got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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