I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
