boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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