I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
