how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
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Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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